Hello, it’s been a while since my last post or since I lost myself to this Who-Am-I-and- is-life-been-so-bored-to-me phase.
No, life did no harm, no hard or even tough to me. Actually life’s good in some way. But it is just me that lost myself. Lost my passion, drowning into some kind of phase that without purpose.
Aa a mom, I feel never be a perfect. I know that no one is perfect. But I feel that I am not a mother that my children want me to be.
As a wife, I just feel fail. Jauh lah dari figur istri-istri rumah tangga soleha yang senantiasa melayani suami. We tend to think that we are equal, me and husband. So there’s no ‘manggut-manggut asal suami senang’ kinda thing in our marriage and that’s why I feel fail as a wife ironically.
As a daughter, I may not be the child that my parent pictured and expected me to be. Lots of reason and I think no explanation needed.
As a woman, I lost my passion, my curiosity over things and I nearly lost myself.
It got me really crazy.
Months of desperation, lots of deep thinking without solution and feel exhausted.
Once I thought that this is temporary and nothing permanent, but now I’m in a doubt.
Pretty sure if I stay any longer in this phase, I might be crazy, like, literally.
So it’s 2016, and this year should be great than good. Januari was my month then, until it continually gave me hard time and now I confirmed that Januari hates me.
I know, whining and complaining over things won’t get me nowhere. That’s is why I have to cut it off, all negativity that blocks me to be me that I always dreaming of. Me that I always want me to be.
And this year, I start it with, Bismillah…